Counseling Archives - Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT

What I Realized about How We Change by Going Rock Climbing

Posted on October 12, 2020

in Addiction, Alcohol, Anger, Counseling, Couples, Healing, Partners of Addicts, Porn Addiction, Relationships, Sex Addiction

by Jeremy Mast

I definitely did not look like this guy yesterday. But I had great fun and enjoyed being with other climbers.

Right around St. Patrick’s Day this year, I was preparing to return to rock climbing, a favorite pastime in college. I dug out my climbing shoes and dusted off my harness. I double-checked my belay device (and that I still knew how to use it). I scrolled through the Ventura climbing gym’s hours and planned my visit.

And then the world shut down.

I’d not climbed in about 17 years. Even though I was long overdue, I figured I could wait a little longer.

Last week, Ventura County moved into California’s Red Tier classification for managing the COVID-19 pandemic, which meant that the local gym could reopen.

So yesterday, I booked my two-hour, socially-distanced slot and climbed for two hours. I realized two things:

I’m definitely not 22 anymore, and
The secret to being a good climber is being able to visualize your moves before you do them, which is a lot like how we change our behavior.

Conscious Uncoupling: How to End a Relationship with Grace and Respect

Posted on May 1, 2019

in Counseling, Couples, Healing, Infidelity, Marriage, Relationships

by Jeremy Mast

As a psychotherapist for about 7 years now, I’ve had the profound privilege of helping many couples move from conflict, anger, and pain and toward deeper, more conscious intimacy. But it doesn’t always go this way.

Indeed, sometimes couples realize in the course of our work together that their relationship, for whatever reason, needs to end. Many partners view the end of the relationship as a personal failure, blaming themselves. Others wallow in anger and resentment, sometimes lashing out in destructive ways.

Tragically, in these instances the circumstances that bring about the end of the relationship can have the power to redefine a couple’s entire story together. This is especially true with cases of sex addiction, porn addiction, infidelity, or some other form of intimate betrayal. Partners carry with them the pain, loss, heartache, and anger about the relationship long after it ends and can even carry it over into their next one.

It doesn’t have to be this way. There’s another path. That’s where Conscious Uncoupling, a method pioneered by psychotherapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, comes in.

Healing Shame with Self-Compassion and Connection (Part 2 of 2)

Posted on March 29, 2019

in Addiction, Counseling, Healing

by Jeremy Mast

Recently, I’ve been wrestling with a business decision. I was unclear about what to do and decided to ask some trusted colleagues about their thoughts. So yesterday, I hopped on a phone call and talked for a few minutes about my quandary. I wasn’t ready for what happened next.

Because of the nature of the decision and my history with similar decisions, I felt very vulnerable. And to my colleagues, it seemed clear that my fears and “not enough-ness” was showing up in my waffling.

And suddenly, there is was. A big, fat helping of shame with a side of inadequacy.

It was like a sucker punch. I admire my colleagues and looked up to them, and suddenly I felt so small. I felt so foolish. So silly. So exposed.

Contact with the Affair Partner After an Affair Ends

Posted on March 6, 2019

in Counseling, Couples, Healing, Infidelity, Marriage, Partners of Addicts, Relationships, Sex Addiction

by Jeremy Mast

Should he have any contact with the affair partner now that the affair is over? Shouldn’t she cut her affair partner out of his life and stop talking to him altogether? How can I get him to stop talking to her?

After an affair, the couple is in crisis. They’re struggling to adapt to their new reality now that the affair has been exposed.

The hurt partner is reeling from this world-shattering news. She’s often traumatized and angry, while also struggling with the desire to scour phone records, check his phone, and other responses intended to help her feel safe after a massive betrayal.

The partner participating in the affair is often remorseful and desperate to save the relationship.

In instances like this, it’s a matter of course that the affair is over, that contact with the affair partner will not continue, and that both partners are all in the save the relationship.

But this is not always the case.

Healing Shame (Part 1 of 2)

Posted on February 20, 2019

in Addiction, Counseling, Healing, Relationships, Trauma

by Jeremy Mast

Shame. Shame is pervasive these days, as are our attempts to banish shame from our existence. We try desperately to rid ourselves of shame and will sometimes to anything for a moment’s respite from that awful, heavy feeling.

Just for a moment, consider what comes up for you when you read this word.

Maybe you’re concerned about someone you love. Maybe you’re curious about your own shame and what to do about it. Maybe you’re even now trying to put out of your mind what you tell yourself when you feel shame so you can read this post.

If so, you’re not alone. Shame sucks. I would know; it’s a part of my story too. And I often get asked about how shame can be healed. It’s a good question, and one I’ve never quite felt I can answer fully in sessions.

While healing is never easy, finding your way out of shame is possible. Before we dive into that topic, though, we need to understand what shame is and how it affects us.

What to Do When Therapy Gets Hard

Posted on February 13, 2019

in Addiction, Anxiety, Counseling, Depression, Healing, Trauma

by Jeremy Mast

So you’ve started therapy, and it’s actually going pretty well. Maybe you’ve been going for just a couple of months or a few years. You’re working well with your therapist feel you’re making good progress. The counseling seems to be helping. Things are humming along.

Then, whether gradually over time or all of the sudden, there’s a shift. Life gets really hard. Almost unbearable. And so does therapy.

Wait a minute. Weren’t things supposed to get better? Why now is the terde hitting the ventilateur?

It’s important to understand that I’m speaking in generalities here, and painting with broad strokes.

But often there’s a really good reason why therapy gets hard. It means you’re doing the work. Here’s what I mean.

Get to Know Your Shadow for a Better Year in 2019

Posted on January 4, 2019

in Addiction, Counseling, Healing, Relationships, Trauma

by Jeremy Mast

Someone recently recommended to me a book called Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche by Robert A. Johnson. He was an author and a Jungian psychoanalyst (more on what that means in a second). I’d heard of his works when I was in high school. Unfortunately, he died this past September, which made the recommendation a timely way to remember him.

It’s a primer on the unconscious mind, or what Carl Jung called the “shadow.” But what is the shadow? Each of us have a part of ourselves that we don’t know about, that’s outside of our awareness, and yet is very much a part of our being. Knowing about this part of ourselves is so important because the shadow has ways of showing up in ways that, well, we least expect.

Not so sure? Studies indicate that the unconscious mind influences an astounding 90% to 95% of our actions and behaviors. But how? And how can you bring your shadow into the light so that you can have a more fulfilling, meaningful New Year?

What to Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Come to Couples Counseling

Posted on October 24, 2018

in Counseling, Couples, Marriage

by Jeremy Mast

All couples face challenges and problems. Perhaps there are problems in your relationship that feel too big to overcome alone, so much so that you’re thinking about getting help. Or maybe you’ve already talked with your partner about meeting with a couples therapist.

Either you’re not optimistic that he’s going to want to go to marriage counseling or couples therapy before you’ve talked with him, or he’s already expressed reluctance to meet with a therapist with you.

What do you do?

How to Get Over Your Past

Posted on October 19, 2018

in Counseling, Healing, Trauma

by Jeremy Mast

Have you ever wondered why therapists seem to care so much about it was like for us as kids? That is, why are therapists so interested in our childhoods? While not all therapists focus on what's happened to us in the past, many therapists do pay...

What to Do When You Don’t Know

Posted on October 5, 2018

in Authenticity, Counseling, Healing

by Jeremy Mast

“I don’t know.” I’ve had no fewer than three clients today say this to me. It’s such a privilege to be with them in this sacred space at the edge of their awareness and understanding.

“Hold on,” you say. “‘I don’t know’? What does that mean? Don’t know what?”

That’s a great question, because chances are, you’ve experienced a moment in your life when you’ve tried to make changes and haven’t quite known how to get there. There are a few different ways to think about what to do when you don’t know, especially when it comes to counseling. Let’s dive in.