What is a Nice Guy? Nice Guys and Addictions (Part 2 of 2)

nice guys and addictionsIf you didn’t catch my previous post, you might be wondering, “What’s a ‘nice guy’? A “Nice Guy,” according to Dr. Robert Glover as he writes in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy, is a man who seeks the approval of others so that he can feel okay about himself. Nice Guys tend to believe that if they do everything just right, if they’re good and caring toward others, they’ll be happy, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life.

 

But as we discussed in the post, it doesn’t work out that way. In fact, nice guys tend to have a lot of problems. They have problems in their relationships, with sex, setting boundaries, taking care of themselves, and very often, with some form of compulsive behavior or addiction.

 

Why do nice guys and addictions go together like peanut butter and jelly? If you’re a nice guy, understanding the relationship between your nice guy tendencies and your addictive behavior can really help you get to “the root” of your addiction.

 

So let’s dive in.

Demystifying the Power of Porn

demystifying the power of pornHave you ever wondered why porn seems so powerful? Has this power left you feeling helpless, lost, and confused? Keep reading to begin demystifying the power of porn.

 

If your answer is yes to one or both of the above questions I can assure you that you are not alone.

 

In many ways the “power” of porn feels like this big entity out in the world that many, including you and I, are vulnerable to just fall prey to. I know I certainly used to feel this way about porn, that somehow I needed to escape the force of what felt like an emotional, spiritual, and mental gravitational pull toward momentary pleasure followed by one hundred times the emotional and relational pain it would surely cause in my life.

 

What I Realized about How We Change by Going Rock Climbing

how we change

I definitely did not look like this guy yesterday. But I had great fun and enjoyed being with other climbers.

Right around St. Patrick’s Day this year, I was preparing to return to rock climbing, a favorite pastime in college. I dug out my climbing shoes and dusted off my harness. I double-checked my belay device (and that I still knew how to use it). I scrolled through the Ventura climbing gym’s hours and planned my visit.

 

And then the world shut down.

 

I’d not climbed in about 17 years. Even though I was long overdue, I figured I could wait a little longer.

 

Last week, Ventura County moved into California’s Red Tier classification for managing the COVID-19 pandemic, which meant that the local gym could reopen.

 

So yesterday, I booked my two-hour, socially-distanced slot and climbed for two hours. I realized two things:

  1. I’m definitely not 22 anymore, and
  2. The secret to being a good climber is being able to visualize your moves before you do them, which is a lot like how we change our behavior.

What Is a Nice Guy? Nice Guys and Addictions (Part 1 of 2)

what is a nice guy

Nice Guys repress their feelings and needs for the sake of others. It’s a recipe for resentment. Nice couch, though, right?

I’m writing this in the Seattle-Tacoma airport very early in the morning, preparing to board a plane to return home to the Los Angeles area. This past weekend, I participated in a professional certification workshop with Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy.

 

It was a wonderful experience. I can’t wait to do another training with him.

 

When I first read the book a few months ago, I knew that I had to do some training with him. Why?

 

In writing about “nice guys,” Dr. Glover understands well the toxic shame that many addicts, especially sex and porn addicts, struggle with on a daily basis. Many of my clients have told me that they resonate strongly with his book.

 

But what is a “nice guy”? It’s worthwhile understanding what a “nice guy” is, what they’re like, and why they’re vulnerable to addictions. Especially sexual addictions.

Can Guilt be Good? Guilt vs. Shame in Overcoming Porn Addiction

Can Guilt be Good?I grew up camping near King’s Canyon just outside of a small mountain town called Camp Nelson. My family has been camping there since my great grandmother was a little girl. The campground is filled with pine, sequoia, and other varieties of redwood trees, many of which seem to stretch over one hundred feet tall. There are two streams that meander through various campsites and eventually merge at a swimming hole near the western edge of the campground. 

 

Just beyond that swimming hole is a magical stretch of forest where thousands of ladybugs scatter the rock walls during mating season. More sequoias tower over the cliffs, some which have given way to the harsh elements of the Sierra Nevada mountain range, only to make convenient bridges and beautiful water features in the streams below.

 

My cousins and I used to follow the stream in that direction to fish and we would dream about following the stream as far as it would allow us one day. One year when we were camping we realized we had reached an age at which we actually could follow the stream as far as it would allow us, and so we did.

How to Learn from Relapses

how to learn from relapses

You don’t need to go all Russell Crowe from A Beautiful Mind to learn from relapses. Reflecting on your triggers and the events leading to the relapses with safe people is a good place to start.

In addiction recovery, relapses are inevitable. They’re going to happen. Many who are new to recovery struggle with this. We can hope that our recovery happens in a straight line, especially because relapses are often painful.

 

Whenever we learn to do something new, we don’t do it perfectly to begin with. We make mistakes. Our mistakes, though, can teach us how to improve at what we’re learning to do. This is true with any new skill, from learning to ride a bike to—yep, you guessed it—living an addiction-free life.

 

Relapses are par for the course. In fact, if you’re not relapsing, you’re not learning. Here are just a few of my thoughts about how to learn from relapses.

Got Change for a Paradigm? Understanding the Paradigm Effect

paradigm effectOne day when I was in high school, my stepdad walked into the room where I was studying (or maybe I was playing video games—I don’t know). He was wearing a new sweatshirt. “Read it,” he said, beaming.

 

The sweatshirt’s white text stood out against its black color, clearly displaying a simple question: “Do You Have Change for a Paradigm?”

 

Clever, I thought as I laughed. My stepdad was was a thoughtful guy and constantly challenged my thinking, so the sweatshirt was fitting for him. Because of his influence, I was exposed to many ideas that I would not have been otherwise. Did I have change for a paradigm? Well, yes, I liked to think so.

 

Indeed, many of us like to think that we’re open-minded, reflective, and willing to see the world differently. And often, at least consciously and about some things, we are. We can be open to new paradigms, or ways of looking at and organizing our experiences.

 

But we can’t help but use the lens of our unconscious minds to look at and make sense of the world. That’s where something called the paradigm effect can influence our thoughts, feelings, and behavior. And that can keep us stuck. But how?

The Secret about How People Change

how people changeEver wonder how people change?

 

Right now, at this very moment, millions of people are in therapy hoping to get help changing their lives. What’s always fascinated me, however, is how so few people really understand what they’re buying when they sign up to see a therapist. They don’t really understand how people change—and how they can transform their lives with a therapist’s help.

 

Of course, most people aren’t terribly interested in how products or services they buy actually work. They buy because they want the desired results at the end. For instance, very few people who buy a car care to know how the engine works. They just want a car that will reliably get them around.

 

I’ve long thought, though, that psychotherapy is especially shrouded in mystery when it comes to how it actually works. Therapists, for our part, don’t generally do a great job of explaining how we help people change, especially because clients don’t often ask directly.

 

But they do ask indirectly. “What’s the next step?” one client asks me. “How do I know I’ve gotten to the root of my addiction?” another wonders. “What do you do to help?” an inquiring caller asks. I think that if therapists can answer questions like these, at least in part and without graduate-school-like lecture, we can greatly reduce our clients’ anxiety and confusion.

 

I’ve already described the process of change elsewhere, especially as it relates to addiction and recovery. I’d like to describe below one way to think about the degree to which we experience change as we move through that process. Before we begin, I need to credit Marty Farash, LMFT, who as far as I know created this useful way of thinking about the levels of change.

What is a Trauma Bond? Getting Hamilton‘s Help in Understanding Toxic Relationships

Like so many others in recent weeks, I finally curled up on my couch to watch the riveting musical Hamilton, which recently became available to stream on Disney+. I’m not usually one for musicals, but I now understand what all the hubbub is about. If you haven’t caught it yet, it’s fantastic.

 

 

In watching the musical, my favorite character is easily King George III, who was brilliantly played by Jonathan Groff (the same guy in Mindhunter—crazy, right?). His three songs throughout the show, the last two of which are essentially continuations of his first song, are extremely catchy. I had them in my head for days afterward. I, like one YouTube commenter on the above video, have been singing his songs so often that my family may be ready to declare their independence from me.

 

As entertaining as his character is, if you’re in a toxic or abusive relationship, his words may be hauntingly familiar. King George III is so memorable because he embodies the characteristics of individuals who form exploitive, harmful relationships with others. These relationships are called trauma bonds.

 

Before explaining the traits of trauma bonds, we need to define what trauma bonds actually are more fully. So what is a trauma bond?

Want to Quit Porn? Here are 4 Things You Must Do

quit pornI’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to help people who are wanting to quit pornography but aren’t able to kick it. Of course, I talk almost everyday with men mostly about changing unwanted sexual behavior. But I wanted to learn more about how people were struggling.

 

I’ve had conversations with people all around the world in recent weeks. Men who have told me that they cannot stop masturbating. Men who have shared that they relapse again and again without understanding why. Men who have asked me in desperation for tips, strategies, and tools to stop.

 

I’ve listened. Based on all of my experience, training, and these conversations, here are four things you need to do to quit porn for good.