What is a Nice Guy? Nice Guys and Addictions (Part 2 of 2)

nice guys and addictionsIf you didn’t catch my previous post, you might be wondering, “What’s a ‘nice guy’? A “Nice Guy,” according to Dr. Robert Glover as he writes in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy, is a man who seeks the approval of others so that he can feel okay about himself. Nice Guys tend to believe that if they do everything just right, if they’re good and caring toward others, they’ll be happy, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life.

 

But as we discussed in the post, it doesn’t work out that way. In fact, nice guys tend to have a lot of problems. They have problems in their relationships, with sex, setting boundaries, taking care of themselves, and very often, with some form of compulsive behavior or addiction.

 

Why do nice guys and addictions go together like peanut butter and jelly? If you’re a nice guy, understanding the relationship between your nice guy tendencies and your addictive behavior can really help you get to “the root” of your addiction.

 

So let’s dive in.

Demystifying the Power of Porn

demystifying the power of pornHave you ever wondered why porn seems so powerful? Has this power left you feeling helpless, lost, and confused? Keep reading to begin demystifying the power of porn.

 

If your answer is yes to one or both of the above questions I can assure you that you are not alone.

 

In many ways the “power” of porn feels like this big entity out in the world that many, including you and I, are vulnerable to just fall prey to. I know I certainly used to feel this way about porn, that somehow I needed to escape the force of what felt like an emotional, spiritual, and mental gravitational pull toward momentary pleasure followed by one hundred times the emotional and relational pain it would surely cause in my life.

 

Can Guilt be Good? Guilt vs. Shame in Overcoming Porn Addiction

Can Guilt be Good?I grew up camping near King’s Canyon just outside of a small mountain town called Camp Nelson. My family has been camping there since my great grandmother was a little girl. The campground is filled with pine, sequoia, and other varieties of redwood trees, many of which seem to stretch over one hundred feet tall. There are two streams that meander through various campsites and eventually merge at a swimming hole near the western edge of the campground. 

 

Just beyond that swimming hole is a magical stretch of forest where thousands of ladybugs scatter the rock walls during mating season. More sequoias tower over the cliffs, some which have given way to the harsh elements of the Sierra Nevada mountain range, only to make convenient bridges and beautiful water features in the streams below.

 

My cousins and I used to follow the stream in that direction to fish and we would dream about following the stream as far as it would allow us one day. One year when we were camping we realized we had reached an age at which we actually could follow the stream as far as it would allow us, and so we did.

How to Learn from Relapses

how to learn from relapses

You don’t need to go all Russell Crowe from A Beautiful Mind to learn from relapses. Reflecting on your triggers and the events leading to the relapses with safe people is a good place to start.

In addiction recovery, relapses are inevitable. They’re going to happen. Many who are new to recovery struggle with this. We can hope that our recovery happens in a straight line, especially because relapses are often painful.

 

Whenever we learn to do something new, we don’t do it perfectly to begin with. We make mistakes. Our mistakes, though, can teach us how to improve at what we’re learning to do. This is true with any new skill, from learning to ride a bike to—yep, you guessed it—living an addiction-free life.

 

Relapses are par for the course. In fact, if you’re not relapsing, you’re not learning. Here are just a few of my thoughts about how to learn from relapses.

He’s Lied for Years about His Secret Life—And Here’s Why

he's lied for years about his secret lifeOne of the most common questions I get from partners of sex and porn addicts is this: How is it possible for their partner to have lied for years about his secret life? Is he a sociopath? How can a man possibly engage in compulsive behaviors (e.g., pornography, escorts, massage parlors, etc.) and then come home to tell his partner that he loves her?

 

If you’ve just discovered your partner’s betrayal with sex addiction or porn addiction, you’re no doubt reeling to make sense of the unimaginable. This behavior and the level of deception involved—it’s unlike anything you’ve ever known.

 

Early in recovery, knowledge can be empowering. Understanding how this deception was possible for your partner can help you know how to keep yourself safe in the short term and rebuild trust, if you choose to stay, in the long term.

Recovering from Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction, Boundaries, and More from My Reddit AMA

porn-induced erectile dysfunctionOver the past week, the world has watched as the coronavirus has spread exponentially. Many are either quarantined, self-quarantined, or practicing social distancing, such that our society has ground to a halt.

 

With these practices in place, so many who are struggling with pornography are at home, isolated, bored, anxious, and often with access to the internet. I imagined that these circumstances made their struggles even more challenging, and based on the response that I’m getting in my latest Reddit AMA, I was right.

 

I’ve included some excerpts below of answers to questions that have been coming up more often for me in my practice.

 

Help Your Relationship Heal from Porn Addiction

relationship heal from porn addictionI’ve spent some time recently on Reddit answering some questions about porn addiction and porn addiction recovery. Someone asked me how to help her partner heal from his addiction and how they can begin healing their relationship together.

 

One thing I didn’t stress enough in this response was that it’s important, even empowering, for partners to have boundaries. Boundaries can sometimes be difficult for partners, but they’re simply ways of expressing needs. E.g., “I request that you tell me when you have a momentary slip or relapse with pornography or masturbation, because you’ve lied to me before about this.”

 

As I discuss below, boundaries can be a great way of taking care of yourself in the relationship. Boundaries can also help you feel safer when there’s been a betrayal of trust, which is a very common experience for partners.

 

So how can your relationship heal from porn addiction? Let’s dive in.

Three Things Couples Can Do Immediately After an Affair to Start Healing

Things Couples Can Do Immediately After an AffairMaybe you’ve just found out about your partner’s betrayal, and your world has been turned upside down. Your heart has been shattered, and you wonder how you can ever trust him again.

 

Or maybe your partner has just discovered your affair, or you’ve just told her. You’re ashamed and scared of losing her. You’ll do anything to save the relationship. You’ve tried apologizing but it only seems to make things worse.

 

After the discovery of an affair, whether it’s a one-time fling or a long string of intimate betrayals over many years, the relationship can only begin to heal once the storm of the initial crisis is past. So what steps can you take to calm the storm and start healing?