An Introduction to Personal Boundaries
An Introduction to Personal Boundaries
When you’ve been a part of an abusive or unhealthy relationship, whether it was with your caregivers, a friend, or a romantic partner, it can be hard to know what appropriate personal boundaries even look like. When you do not even know what personal boundaries to have, you will likely find yourself in unhealthy or abusive relationships again. A key part to breaking the cycle of trauma bonds and abusive relationships is learning what boundaries are okay to have and how to have them.
Trauma Bonds
Well, what are trauma bonds and why do they need to be broken? I like to describe trauma bonds as you and your partner fitting together like a perfect puzzle piece. However, unfortunately, the puzzle pieces are made up of attachment wounds and a distorted sense of self. For example, an employee with the belief that they are worthless may be in a working relationship with a boss who likes to push them around. The employee’s sense of worthlessness and the boss’s desire to dominate over people fit together perfectly. This creates a trauma bond that is not easily broken. Ultimately, the employee will need to start believing in themselves or the boss would need to start seeing people as equals for things to change. Otherwise, the employee may allow themselves to remain in an exploitative work environment until they retire. This is just one example of what trauma bonds may look like, but the main point is that you deserve better than to be stuck in a trauma bond.
Personal Bill of Rights
As previously mentioned, sometimes our sense of reality is so screwed up that we don’t even know what good boundaries look like. Because of this, I love referencing the “Personal Bill of Rights” list as a sounding board for what every human being has the right to. Go ahead and look at this list right now and see if there are any rights that you feel uncomfortable with. In my experience, the more items on this list that you have trouble believing, the more likely you are to be susceptible to exploitative relationships.
Learning to Create Healthy Boundaries
If you don’t allow yourself (or don’t even know how to allow yourself) some of these personal rights, it may be an indicator that you need some help creating boundaries. There are many different ways to work on improving your boundaries.
Use resources to work on your boundaries yourself. - There are many free resources that can help you create healthy boundaries for yourself. I have linked some of them below:
Boundary Starter Kit by Dr. Christina Bell
Set up an appointment with a therapist. - Another great way to get help with boundaries is by utilizing the help of a therapist. A therapist can provide you with individualized support and expert guidance on how to create the best boundaries for YOU!
About The Author
Jorden Groenink, MS, AMFT, APCC an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT136162) and an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC12906), supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She has been trained in Experiential Therapy and loves working with couples and individuals who want to experience a more fulfilling life. Jorden wholeheartedly believes that every person is worthy of love and relationship. When not working with clients or listening to audiobooks, Jorden enjoys spending time with her family (husband, dog, & cat) and doing DIY projects around her house.
