Healing Through Marriage Therapy
Healing Through Marriage Therapy
Finding help for your relationship through marriage therapy can feel intimidating. Not only does the relationship feel fractured, you may be feeling fractured as well. One part of you feels so hurt, betrayed, and untrusting toward your partner. At the same time you have a deep desire to feel connected, secure, and intimate again. Before reading any further, I want to assure you that there is hope for healing in your relationship.
One of the interesting dynamics I have noticed arise time and again in my work with couples is that both individuals often want the same things. They want the same things not only for themselves, but for the other as well. What I mean is both people want to feel:
Acknowledged
Valued
Loved
Respected
Known
Understood
Further, when I ask each individual what they hope the other person would feel if therapy were to “work”, they usually say they hope for their partner to feel:
Acknowledged
Valued
Loved
Respected
Known
Understood
Maybe you and your partner can relate to that. So how is it that two people wanting the same things for themselves and for the other in the same relationship can be left feeling so isolated, alone, misunderstood, unloved, and/or disrespected? Doing the work through marriage therapy can help answer those questions in light of your unique experiences and background. However, I will attempt to address one of the common catalysts for this disorienting dynamic which many couples find themselves in.
One of the most common obstacles which arises in relationships is one another’s actions and/or words getting lost in translation. Have you ever had the experience where your partner is giving you the silent treatment or the cold shoulder and you have no idea why? This is often a signal that something you said or did is getting lost in translation. Now, if you are anything like me and many of the other couples out there working to overcome similar obstacles, your first reaction might be, “Aha! I knew my partner was misinterpreting what I said or did!” and you might proceed to tell them how they are misunderstanding or misinterpreting what you said or did. I’m going to encourage you to pause before you continue to do that. Reflect on if that has worked for you in the past. I am guessing that it either hasn’t worked for you, and if it appears to have worked, it was not a sustainable solution and it was only a matter of time before similar circumstances and distress crop up again. If this sounds familiar, don’t be discouraged. I’ve been there too. In fact, I still find myself there sometimes in my marriage, and I’ll likely find myself there again and again. The key here is to not view the distress itself as the obstacle. We are not robots and therefore will make mistakes, say things the wrong way, or misinterpret things our partner says. The real obstacle is how we respond to the distress when it arises. Often, individuals in relationships, when they experience distress, they will respond by:
Shutting down
Withdrawing
Lashing out
Blaming
Avoiding responsibility
Relentlessly pursuing the other
Again, I’ve been there too and I know it doesn’t work. While each partnership is equipped with unique skills and abilities to help them work through and respond to distress, here are a few examples of tools to help set you up for success moving forward:
Create a plan with your partner. Set some time aside with your partner when the relationship feels settled and both people are able to be physically and emotionally present. Talk about what you each need and what you are both willing to offer when distress arises in the relationship. For example, if one of you usually storms out of the room or disappears for an undisclosed period of time before returning only to act like nothing happened, talk about what it might be like to request thirty minutes to an hour to settle down when things get tense and promising to come back at the end of that time to discuss the issue with cooler heads.
Practice meditation, prayer, or some form of mindfulness. Research has shown that these kinds of practices help to strengthen the part of your brain that helps translate feelings and emotions into words. As a result, when things get tense, you may feel more equipped to express your feelings in a way that promotes connection and intimacy.
Know your stuff. What I mean by this is that we all have old “stuff” come up when things get tense with our partner. This “stuff” can be painful memories from childhood, insecurities that were exposed earlier in life, or deep seated fears about repeating traumatic experiences. All this old stuff can influence how we respond in the present moment. Knowing the stuff that informs how we react in the present can help generate a greater sense of self-compassion. Further, when our partner shares their old stuff with us, we have an opportunity to express compassion towards them especially when it is activated during the distress that arises in the relationship.
No human being is perfect, and therefore no relationship is perfect. In light of our imperfection, let’s all try to find a bit of healing through offering compassion to ourselves and to our partners. If this task feels easier said than done, that is ok. Marriage therapy can be a helpful tool in learning how to connect with the compassion we all need to receive and are all capable of offering.
About the Author
Spencer is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 121457) and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist Candidate supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. He has focused his career on helping individuals and couples break free and heal from unwanted sexual behaviors. Spencer is motivated by the hope and restoration he has found in his own journey toward healing. When he is not helping others in, or producing content about this field, he enjoys running, traveling, and discovering local eateries with loved ones.
