Getting Unstuck
“I now know why I use porn, yet I keep doing it… now what?” “I thought if I could figure out why I do what I do then I would be able to change my behavior.” I have encountered these experiences both in my own personal journey through recovery as well as with those I work with in their respective journeys through recovery. When new insight is gained, and clarity is finally lending itself to why porn has been such a difficult habit to break, it can often feel freeing. There is a sense of relief, like the scales have finally fallen off our eyes, and so many of the questions we’ve been asking for so long about our behavior are finally answered. Following experiences like this is often a sense that things will finally be different now, and porn will no longer be as strong of a compulsive behavior.
Relationships will finally thrive and life will feel so much more empowering. Suddenly, I will be able to choose to do the behaviors I want to do, and not choose the behaviors I don’t want to do. However, more often than not, the porn use persists. Feeling the high of gaining insight into what used to feel so confusing surrounding porn use can often make the pain of continuing the behavior much more prominent. After all, so much work, energy, and effort was put into making these discoveries about why we do the things we do. Shouldn’t our ability to suddenly do what we want to do, and not use porn be the outcome?
The Puzzle
The problem with this kind of thinking is that discovering why we do what we do is only one piece of the puzzle which makes up the bigger picture of sustained recovery from porn use. Insight into the unique motivations which moved us to use porn for so long certainly holds value. This kind of insight can help reduce shame, connect with our feelings on a deeper level, and empower us to invite greater degrees of intimacy in our important relationships. However, there is another essential piece of the puzzle of recovery which is often forgotten - choosing to do something different. This may initially sound a bit patronizing or cavalier. However, this is not my intention, and I truly believe this is an extremely important tool in recovery.
What needs to be changed?
A few years ago I learned that the reason my knees kept hurting after going on runs is because I had incorrect form in my stride. Gaining this knowledge was an essential piece in keeping me from continuing to injure my knees. However, knowledge alone would not protect my knees from continuing to get hurt. I had to make some behavioral changes, and I even went so far as to get a new pair of shoes which would encourage a healthier stride. Since making these behavioral and physical changes my knees have never felt stronger. Furthermore, I know the behaviors and sensations to look out for which indicate to me that my form is getting lazy or sloppy again. My insight moved me to change my behaviors, and encouraged me to be attuned to the signs and signals which I now know ultimately end up in me feeling pain, and feeling weak. Similarly, when we gain insight into why we use porn, we are equipped with knowledge to help us make different decisions, and to acquire tools needed to achieve sustainable recovery.
Step 1
Step one is to find other, preferred ways of gaining that which porn offers. Porn meets different needs for different people. Some common needs which are often met through using porn are excitement, intimacy, control, relief, power, love, and companionship. What we do not want to do is take away a means of meeting a need and ignore the need which is being met through that means. Largely, the intensity and degree of momentary satisfaction gained through porn will never be matched. The goal here is not to find other things which match the intensity porn offers. Rather, it is to find various ways of meeting the aforementioned needs in ways which strengthen one’s sense of self, experience of life, and intimacy of relationships.
Step 2
Step two is to find communities of support in recovery. These communities can be found through Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, SMART recovery groups, smaller more curated groups at a private practice, or through trusted friends. Shame will try and convince you that the community will ridicule, judge, and deject you. However, those who gain access to the right communities of support often report and present as more empowered, secure, self aware, and more aware of others.
Step 3
Step three, in my opinion, is to recognize, accept, and respond to the accessibility of porn. What I mean by this is fully realizing the reality of how easy it is to gain access to any kind of porn you want at literally any given moment on most if not all of your phones, computers, or tablets. My friends, if you are trying to gain sustainable recovery from porn use, the gravity of how accessible porn is needs to be addressed in your plan for recovery. I often experience a lot of push back on using content filtering and accountability softwares or strategies. As a Therapist, I will never force or impose my own desires or thoughts for how my client chooses to move toward recovery over their own knowledge and understanding of what works for them. With that said, I have seen the benefits content blockers and accountability softwares have had for those attempting to establish sobriety from porn use. Pride, shame, or both might suggest to you that you ought to just be able to choose not to use porn when the opportunity arises. What I say to pride and shame in these moments is that we have the opportunity to make that choice by utilizing the numerous content filters and accountability softwares available in this day and age. Using these resources is not taking the choice away from us. Rather, they are simply another way of making that choice.
Is awareness enough?
Gaining awareness and insight into why we use porn is such an important part of our recovery process. However, it often proves to be an insufficient savior on its own. In fact, when insight and understanding is pursued alone for recovery, disappointment often follows. We need to choose to do different behaviors. Those behaviors can include finding other ways to meet our needs, pursuing communities of support, and choosing to make porn less accessible. More so, be gracious toward yourself on this journey, it is one full of ups and downs, progress and regression. Keep doing the things that work, and when things don’t work, do something different.
About the Author
Spencer is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 121457) and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist Candidate supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. He has focused his career on helping individuals and couples break free and heal from unwanted sexual behaviors. Spencer is motivated by the hope and restoration he has found in his own journey toward healing. When he is not helping others in, or producing content about this field, he enjoys running, traveling, and discovering local eateries with loved ones.
