Mapping Your Way Out of Porn Addiction
“I feel trapped.” Have you ever felt this way, or maybe even said those exact words? This, along with other similar sentiments, is one of the most common and most accurate complaints I have heard in my work with those who are working toward overcoming porn and sex addicitions. I too have felt that sensation of being trapped, stuck, and almost a slave to those behaviors which have caused so much distress and harm to myself and others. When working through addictive behaviors, it can feel difficult to know which way is up, and where to even begin making any kind of progress toward recovery.
Because of how pervasive and common addictive behaviors are, it comes as no surprise that there are many models and modalities out there attempting to clear a path toward recovery. Lucky for those of us who have decided that these behaviors aren’t working for us anymore, many of these models and modalities can be extremely useful in our recovery. However, if there are so many useful models and modalities out there designed to help us make the movement from addiction to continued recovery, then why do so many people still feel so trapped in these behaviors?
As much as I would like the following words to be some magical combination of phrases, thoughts, and ideas which could resolve these problems all together simply through reading them, I unfortunately skipped the magical phrases, thoughts, and ideas class to take career development instead…….. Ok, I’m not the best at delivering jokes via blog post, but I do have some ideas on how you might be able to construct a road map for yourself as you navigate away from addictive behaviors and toward sustained recovery.
Major Domains
To begin conceptualizing your map toward recovery, it may be helpful to consider what I have, through my own recovery and that of others, come to understand as the three major domains which govern both addictive and recovery behaviors. These three domains are the:
Behavioral Domain
Emotional Domain
Spiritual Domain
I have found that many recovery models focus more on one of these domains than they do the others. Instead, I am suggesting an appropriate amount of attention ought to be given to each. Focusing too heavily on the Behavioral Domain may look like following the 12-step formula, going to support groups, and checking all the boxes of how you “ought” to behave only to be left with all the distressing affect and emotion you were avoiding through the self-medicating behaviors. While your behaviors have changed, the internal distress remains. Feeling trapped with this emotion with no way now to resolve it eventually becomes exhausting and people will often relapse repeatedly at some point down the line.
Focusing too heavily on the Emotional Domain may look like doing a lot of “talk therapy”, gaining insight and understanding for what has motivated the addictive behavior for all these years, but not knowing what to do about it. Focusing too much on this domain may feel like you have a clear vision for what your life could be like sober, but you are looking at it through a glass wall with no way of getting to the other side.
Focusing too much on the Spiritual Domain may inadvertently perpetuate feelings of shame which is a key ingredient for sustaining the addictive cycle. The cycle I have often seen when giving too much focus on the spiritual domain is:
“hitting rock bottom” → feeling overwhelming guilt and shame → vowing change without looking at why the behavior was there in the first place → a season of being “good” → followed by a seemingly random relapse → more guilt, more shame → the cycle repeats.
Focusing too heavily on the spiritual may give the illusion that one has been somewhat magically cured from the maladaptive behaviors which have been hanging around for so long. When one believes they have been magically cured, there is seemingly no need for further internal or behavioral work which leaves them exposed to eventual relapse.
Give appropriate attention to all three of these domains.
I am suggesting that one gives appropriate attention to all three of these domains. Giving appropriate focus to behavioral change provides practical skills and tools which can help support recovery so that one feels they have the capacity to give attention to the emotional and spiritual domains. Succeeding in the behavioral domain provides a short-term solution to focus on the other two domains which will support a more long-term, sustainable recovery.
When one is able to attend to the emotional domain, they will gain insight into themselves, their triggers, and the underlying negative cognitions/narratives which foster pain and distress. Attending these harmful core beliefs and narratives through gaining new perspectives and replacing them with positive cognitions and narratives will decrease compulsive addictive behaviors, and increase responsive, meaningful and productive behaviors.
Finally, giving focus to the spiritual domain allows one to become acquainted with their value structure, and how the behaviors they use to manage pain and distress fall within or outside of their value structure. This structure can be thought of as the glue which holds all of these domains together for the purpose of working in concert for your own good, and the good of those around you.
While giving appropriate attention to the behavioral, emotional, and spiritual domains in recovery may not be the whole picture of recovery, it can help to provide an outline to begin constructing an individualized roadmap for your own recovery.
About The Author
Spencer is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 121457) and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist Candidate supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. He has focused his career on helping individuals and couples break free and heal from unwanted sexual behaviors. Spencer is motivated by the hope and restoration he has found in his own journey toward healing. When he is not helping others in, or producing content about this field, he enjoys running, traveling, and discovering local eateries with loved ones.
