COUNSELING FOR PARTNERS OF SEX ADDICTS | VENTURA & LOS ANGELES
Change from feeling crushed by the anxiety, fear, and uncertainty of sex or porn addiction betrayal.
Learning that your partner has betrayed you with sex addiction or pornography addiction is devastating and confusing.
Perhaps finding out about your partner’s out-of-control behaviors confirms suspicions that you’ve had for some time that something isn’t right, or perhaps your partner was so adept at keeping his secret life hidden from you that you’re learning about his behaviors for the first time. Either way, you’re likely to feel rage, anger, sadness, confusion, and alone.
That’s because discovering that your partner or spouse has had a secret sexual life is traumatic. It’s a trauma—an emotional injury—so hurtful that you probably feel like you’re going crazy.
Partners often say things like:
“I don’t feel like myself.”
“Who is this stranger I’m married to?”
“How can I trust him/her again?”
”Do I even want to be in this relationship?”
“How can I protect myself in the future?”
“How could I not have known this was happening?”
The result of intimate betrayal? Trauma.
When the person you loved and trusted most in the world deceives you by engaging in sexual and emotional behaviors outside of the relationship, only one word can summarize the depth of the resultant emotional pain: trauma. Your partner’s betrayal has changed everything; nothing in your world will ever be the same.
After finding out about the level of deception your partner has inflicted upon you, it’s completely understandable that you would feel symptoms associated with trauma, including:
Shock
Denial
Preoccupied with partner’s behavior
Obsessed about the betrayal
Feeling numb
Overwhelming anxiety
Confusion or conflicting feelings
Anger or rage
Difficulty concentrating
Nightmares
Daytime “flashbacks”
Insomnia
Physical pain
Reliving painful moments associated with the betrayal
How Do I Know My Partner Is a Sex Addict?
Sex addiction and infidelity both involve betrayal but aren’t the same thing. Sex addiction progresses, gets out of control, becomes a pervasive pattern of compulsive sexual behaviors, and takes over the addict’s life.
Sex addicts continue to engage in sexual behaviors despite adverse consequences, including behaviors such as:
Masturbation
Frequenting strip or sex clubs
Flirting
Affairs—sexual and/or emotional
Hiring prostitutes or escorts
Use of “hookup apps” for sex
Visiting massage parlors that offer “happy endings”
Phone sex
Cybersex—porn, chat rooms, emailing or texting with acting out partners
Sexting or in other ways exchanging graphic emails or photos
Voyeurism and/or staring at others too long
After what you’ve learned, some may be telling you to leave. Others may be minimizing your pain, like your partner probably is. Perhaps, like so many partners, you haven’t told anyone anything because you’re so overwhelmed and confused about what to do.
Support for Partners
Whatever your partner’s behaviors are, and however you’re reacting to the pain of your partner’s deception, we’re not here to tell you what to do. Our first priority is helping you understand what’s going on and how you’re feeling, to find ways that you can feel safe again, and to offer hope that healing is possible.
Whatever you eventually decide to do in your relationship, you deserve to have your pain understood and validated. We understand your pain from the perspective of relational trauma, because to call the injury you’ve experienced anything else would be to devalue your pain. It’s our goal to help you understand, accept, and validate the trauma so that you can begin your important journey toward healing.
The Answer Is Connection
As you establish a foundation to your healing and begin to feel more grounded, together we can explore the depths of your pain. With the right kind of help, your emotional pain can be acknowledged and validated—something partners often desperately need as they frequently feel like they’re losing their minds.
In a therapeutic relationship in which you feel understood, your emotional pain can be transformed and you can begin to feel like yourself again. Together, with the support of proven tools and resources, we can help you understand how this happened to you and how to live in the light of profound, newfound awareness and skills.
I Need Help—What Should I Do Now?
As the partner of a sex addict, starting counseling can be tough because you may feel embarrassed, humiliated, and unsure of where to turn. Reaching out for help is nothing to be ashamed about and can lead to a lifetime of emotional health, and I applaud your courage in seeking the support you need. Change isn’t easy, but it is possible.
The time to get help is now.
Our therapists have received specific training and supervision to help sex and porn addicts and their partners discover healing and lasting change. It can feel difficult to reach out for help, usually because you might be afraid of judgment. We applaud your courage in seeking the support you need. No matter what your circumstances may be, no matter how desperate your situation feels right now…