Addictive Sex Versus Healthy Sex
As a sex and porn addiction therapist, I spend a lot of time supporting those who are in recovery from compulsive, problematic sexual behaviors. In my work, I talk a lot about addictive sex and sexual behaviors.
Everyone in recovery starts their journey by defining what unhealthy sex is for them, whether it’s pornography, visiting massage parlors, escorts, cybersex, etc., or a combination of these.
But what characterizes addictive, problematic sex? What makes addictive sex unhealthy? And what is healthy sex? Let’s take a look.
Addictive, Problematic Sex*
Originates from shame-based sexuality
Takes advantage of others
Compromises one’s integrity
Confuses intensity for intimacy
Reenacts trauma and cements arousal patterns in the brain
Requires a level of dissociation
Is organized around the past and future (i.e., euphoric recall and fantasy)
Relies on self-loathing and self-destruction
Seeks power and control
Is covert and manipulative
Serves to avoid feelings at all costs
Is fraudulent
Creates a tolerance that requires more stimulation
Requires compartmentalization
Is rigid and routine
Is without meaning and devoid of eroticism or a spiritual connection
Healthy Sex
Deepens a sense of self and embraces one’s erotic, animal nature
Is mutually respectful and honoring
Reinforces a congruent sense of self
Recognizes vulnerability as the road to intimacy, intensity, and eroticism
Allows for exploration, making meaning of the sexual act, and “rewiring” the brain
Requires one to experience the feelings in one’s body
Demands the experience of the present moment and staying relational
Relies on self-love and nurturance
Seeks surrender and vulnerability
Is direct and requires risk-taking
Requires the willingness to feel deeply
Demands honesty and creates congruence
Requires self-confrontation for growth
Demands truth and authenticity
Is joyous, a celebration of life, partnership, and one’s spirituality
Creates meaning and embraces one’s erotic self as a pathway to spirituality
*Source: Alexandra Katehakis, Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex While in Recovery from Sex Addiction, pp. 31-32, adapted from Patrick Carnes, Don’t Call It Love: Recovery from Sex Addiction.
Time to Reflect
What came up for you as you read about the characteristics of addictive sex? Of healthy sex?
If you’re struggling with some form of unwanted sexual behavior that may be out of control, I invite you to reflect on how the qualities of addictive sex may apply to your behavior. What feels true to you about your behavior? What are you feeling as you consider that?
Perhaps you’re feeling ashamed, which is easy to fall into when you’re trying to overcome addictive sexual behaviors. I get that. You’re not alone in your struggle. Considering this problem takes courage, and I applaud you for reading this and probably other resources like it.
Help is available for you, we’d love to hear from you, wherever you are in your journey.
If you’re in recovery already, take a moment to consider how your sexuality has changed. How can you keep moving toward healthy sex? It might help to talk about this with your partner, with your therapist or sponsor, and with trusted, safe others who support you.
If you need help, or know someone who does, we’re here for you.
About the Author
Jeremy Mast is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and the founder and director of the Center for Integrative Change. He is passionate about helping those struggling with substance use and problematic sexual behaviors and their loved ones find lasting healing. In his spare time, he enjoys reading, rock climbing, health and fitness, and trying out new recipes while cooking at home.