Two Parts, One Person
I was sitting in my personal Therapist’s office one day thinking to myself, “How do I keep ending up in this scenario?” I was thinking about the recurring episodes of relapse I had experienced over the past years, and the repetitive, difficult, heart wrenching conversations I would find myself having with my wife about relapse of porn use. I would ask myself, “How can I feel with every fiber of my being that I will never relapse again only to wind up in the same cycle?”. I felt confused about how I could want so badly to stop these behaviors, yet find myself doing them all the same. I would try every intervention I had access to - installing multiple website blockers on my computer, having accountability partners, going to support groups, seeing Certified Sexual Addiction Therapists, deleting apps on my phone and having others keep the password, and yet, I would find myself putting just as much time and effort into circumventing these interventions as I put into implementing them. I felt like I was two different people.
I was studying to earn my Master of Arts in Clinical Psychology when something about this perplexing and exhausting experience clicked. We were learning about concepts referred to in the world of Clinical Therapy as “parts work” and “self-states”, which I will address later. As we were studying this content I realized all of the interventions I was desperately grasping for were resources outside of myself. I came to understand I had an unconscious expectation that the solution to my compulsive behaviors was out in the world somewhere, my character had a deficit for not having this solution, and I had to continue frantically scanning the environment around me to find and acquire the magic solution which would cure me from my inadequacy. Does this sound familiar? Now don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe that these external resources such as software, accountability partners, Therapists, groups, 12-step programs, and any other resources outside of yourself are valuable assets to any recovery regiment. However, these resources alone, in my experience, will fail to facilitate a life with sustainable change.
There is a plethora of information and research about so-called “parts” and “self states” out there, and I encourage you to do your own research. However, for the sake of this conversation, we will define parts and self-states as: Memory networks from earlier experiences in life which were left wounded without knowing how to heal. Further, these painful memory networks from the past are agitated and activated with present-day stimulus. As a result, our adult selves are taken over by younger parts/self-states, and we behave accordingly.
Studying “parts work” and “self states” helped to orient my attention inward.
What I found when I turned my attention inward, as opposed to frantically seeking out external resources, were different parts or self-states which would show up in moments of stress or anxiousness and get in the proverbial “driver’s seat”. When these different parts would be in the driver’s seat, I would almost always end up in relapse. What I noticed myself doing, and what I see happening in the lives of many struggling with some form of compulsive behavior, is attempting to bury these unwanted parts with all the external resources. I would attempt to toss these undesired parts into a metaphorical pit and try to bury them with software, CSATs, accountability partners, groups, and self depreciation thinking that one of these days the weight of these interventions would be too heavy for my unwanted parts to get out of the pit.
So what do I suggest we do instead of tossing these parts into the pit? What I began to do, and what I try to facilitate in my work with others, is to have compassion on these parts. As I spent “time in”, as Daniel Siegel would say, I began to recognize these parts not as bad, evil, or deviant, but as hurting, scared, and longing. I realized these were parts of me which had, at some earlier time in life, been convinced that certain pains, anxieties, needs, and desires are not acceptable or able to be attended to by others, and that they need to be resolved in secret, and in isolation. I began to recognize these parts as younger self-states that would show up when I was anxious and not know what to do other than act out. As I slowed my response, and began to offer compassion to these younger self-states, shame began to melt away. I was able to validate the parts of me which felt scared, anxious, stressed, longing, and further, I was able to reassure these parts that there are better ways to respond to these emotions.
What is the purpose of these parts showing up anyway? An essential piece of meaningful self-compassion is genuine care and understanding. So, it is important to understand why these younger self-states show up. Motivations for different self-states showing up in the present day is extremely subjective from person-to-person. However, motivation for these different parts showing up can generally be thought of as some form of protection. When our nervous system detects a potential threat in our environment, our brain’s natural reaction is to what? That’s right, fight, flight, or freeze. For instance, if you are walking down the street and you anticipate a car is speeding in your direction, your nervous system will likely send your body flying out of the way of that car as an almost automated response with a quick jump or dive. This would be considered an adaptive-protective response to a threatening stimulus in the environment. However, when one experiences a stimulus in the environment and they are not equipped with the necessary tools to produce an adaptive-protective response, a maladaptive-protective response is often produced which is often in the form of acting out through compulsive behaviors. This explains why the distress one feels prior to acting out is mitigated and may even go away entirely during the action of action out through porn, sex or substance use. The maladaptive-protective response was successful to some extent because it decreases your experience of the perceived threat in the environment. However, as you well know, the distress returns shortly after and often feels even stronger due to the increased sense of shame for the acting out behavior. As our adult selves, it is our responsibility to identify, understand, and offer compassion to these younger self-states, and reassure them that there are better, more adaptive-protective responses to the distressing circumstances they are experiencing.
Here are some tips for getting acquainted with your younger self-states, and offering them the compassion and protection they are wanting:
Journal
Journaling helps to put feelings, emotions, and experiences into context. It helps you to think about what you are thinking about which is essential for understanding and knowing yourself.
Breathing exercises
Breath helps blood, and therefore oxygen, get to the parts of our brain which help us reason, think logically, and make meaningful, well-informed decisions about how we want to progress throughout our day and our life. This increased ability to reason helps us to understand why we are feeling what we are feeling. When we are unintentional about managing our shallow breathing, we are encouraging that blood flow to remain restricted to the more primitive, survival parts of our brain.
Start by taking just three minutes in the morning and in the evening to do some deep-breathing exercises.
Write a timeline of major life events, and a short paragraph on how each of these events shaped who you are today.
I recommend doing this with the facilitation of a Therapist especially if you have experienced traumatic life events to help contain any distress and regulate emotion that may feel unmanageable on your own.
In summary, as much pain and distress compulsive behaviors may have caused in your life and in the lives of others, it is important to begin working on turning inward, and validating the fears, anxieties, stressors, and needs of your younger self states. This is not to say we are justifying the behavior these self-states have led you to. Rather, we are offering compassion and understanding for the emotions and experiences which produced these maladaptive-protective behaviors. Furthermore, we are reassuring these younger self-states that your adult self also wants to protect, and that your adult self will make the decisions from now on for how perceived threats in the environment are responded to.
About the Author
Spencer is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 121457) and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist Candidate supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. He has focused his career on helping individuals and couples break free and heal from unwanted sexual behaviors. Spencer is motivated by the hope and restoration he has found in his own journey toward healing. When he is not helping others in, or producing content about this field, he enjoys running, traveling, and discovering local eateries with loved ones.
