Want to Have Better Communication? Start With the Art of Listening.
Do you ever find yourself nodding along, half listening to what your friend or partner is saying, only to realize you haven't really absorbed a word?
Do you ever find yourself in the midst of a heated debate or argument, only half paying attention to what the other person is saying while already formulating a rebuttal in your head while they're talking?
If you said yes, you're not alone.
As a marriage and family therapy graduate student, one of the skillsets I'm constantly practicing is the art of listening. Most of us think we know how to listen, but in reality, we're usually partially listening, partially daydreaming, and partially thinking of what we’re going to say to the other person in response.
I think listening is a skill that can be learned like any other. Here's where to start.
Slow Down
Step one to become a better listener - slow down.
When having a conversation with someone it is almost impossible to give your full attention while multitasking. Are you talking to your partner and also reading emails? Are you on a work phone call while simultaneously scrolling through social media or news feeds? Then chances are, you're not really listening.
Most of us think we're good at multitasking, but really what we're doing is rapid task-switching. We can't give our full attention to multiple things at once. Notice I said full attention. There are absolutely scenarios in which we can do multiple things at once - for example, walking and talking. Things like walking are second nature for us, so most of us don't need to use any mental energy to walk, making it possible to walk and truly listen at the same time. However, if you're doing a task that requires mental energy (i.e. email, social media, reading the news) it is very unlikely that you can do that and be a good listener at the same time. Again, emphasis on the good listener.
So, whenever you can - try to notice when you are multitasking or task-switching, and try instead to give the person on the other end of the conversation your full attention. It might feel strange at first, it might feel boring, but over time it will become easier. And hopefully the more attentive you are to those around you, the more you’ll start to receive their full attention in return.
Step Back
Step two to become a better listener - step back.
There's nothing like a little change of perspective to really hear and understand what someone is saying, but we're so often stuck in our own narrow perspective of a situation that we forget to step back and look at the bigger picture.
If you find yourself in a debate or argument that seems to be going nowhere, is it possible to slow down, step back, and look at the argument from a different perspective? Can you truly attempt to see the situation from the other person's point of view, even if you don't agree with it? As Aristotle said, "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."
I would also argue that it is the mark of a good listener to be able to entertain the other person's perspective without attaching to it, agreeing with it, or immediately dismissing it.
Next time you're in a conversation, can you try to verbalize the other person's position? You might start with,
"What I'm hearing you say is..."
or
"It sounds to me like you're saying...is that right?"
This sort of reflective listening gives you an opportunity to really reflect on what the other person is saying. This is a key skill used by therapists to ensure they understand what a client is saying rather than making assumptions, and it is a skill that can easily be used in your own conversations as well. Maybe you’ll find that you thought you knew what the other person was getting at, but really it was your own beliefs and assumptions you were hearing and you weren’t actually listening to their perspective after all.
Respond Rather Than React
The final step to becoming a better listener - respond rather than react.
Slowing down and stepping back provide us the space to respond thoughtfully in our interactions with others rather than reacting reflexively out of emotion or habit.
If you want your relationships or ways of communicating with others to change, you must change how you are engaging in conversation with the other person. This change starts with becoming a better listener and seeing an issue from the other person's perspective; however, slowing down and stepping back are not sufficient on their own. You must also start responding more intentionally in your interactions if you'd like to see a change in your relationships.
What does responding intentionally look like?
It might look like calmly asking your partner why they said they were going to commit to something, but then broke that commitment. Rather than starting the conversation with accusations and assumptions, start with genuine curiosity. Perhaps there is a good reason for the broken commitment, or perhaps there isn’t. Either way, you can make the decision to clearly express how this broken promise makes you feel and why it is a big deal for you. This can help to shift the conversation from a perpetual blame game to an honest conversation about why it is important to you for your partner to keep promises.
The good news is, there are infinite opportunities to practice this skill in your daily life. It won’t be easy or perfect at first (or likely ever for that matter), but if you can start by slowing down, stepping back, and responding intentionally, you’re on the right track.
Are you ready to become a better listener?
About The Author
Stephanie is a graduate student in Clinical Psychology at Antioch University in Los Angeles and is on the path to pursuing licensure as a Marriage and Family Therapist. She is passionate about working in the perinatal space and creating an empowering, nurturing environment to help women thrive. She currently serves as the Client Care Specialist at the Center for Integrative Change.
