Untangling the Knots of Porn & Sex Addiction
Have you ever tried to untangle a knot on one of those really thin chain link necklaces?
If you are anything like me, it is tempting to just throw the necklace out because by the time any progress is made, half the day is gone and it is time for a nap. Ok, maybe I’m being a bit dramatic, but that sense of frustration and awareness of time wasted is there all the same. To some degree, this is reflective of how many people may be tempted to address their impulsive sexual behaviors.
Whether you are struggling with porn, sex, infidelity, or any other facet of sexual addiction, you are likely feeling all tangled up mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.
Like the thin chain link necklace, it is tempting to just cut that part of your life off and pretend like it isn’t there. However, I would argue that just as there is value in the necklace which would be lost by throwing it away, there is value correlated with what might be labeled as compulsive or addictive sexual behaviors.
Behavior vs Motivation
I want to be clear that I am not arguing to justify impulsive sexual behaviors, especially when it is at the expense of another’s or your own wellbeing. Rather, I am trying to validate that which moves you toward acting out in a sexual way.
Again, I am making a differentiation between behavior and motivation.
This differentiation between behavior and motivation is an important part of recovery, because if you can untangle your motivation from the behavior of sexually acting out, then you can better understand yourself and what moves you toward these destructive behaviors.
Differentiating, and understanding this motivation apart from the behavior provides an opportunity for you to take a step back, look at that motivation objectively, and ask yourself, “What is it that I really want, and how would I prefer to pursue that which I want in a constructive way rather than the destructive consumption of porn and sex?”
Defining Your Value System
An important part of this conversation, and one which accounts for much of why consumption of porn and sex feels so tangled up and messy, is understanding your value system. Often times, those who are trying to manage sex and porn addictions have a somewhat surface-level understanding of their value system, but are unaware of how their consumption of porn and sex is in conflict or alignment with their value system.
To address this, I am going to ask a question, and I don’t mean for it to sound patronizing or demeaning. Rather, I ask this question to facilitate a genuine sense of curiosity and exploration.
My question for you is, are you aware of how your consumption of sex and porn are in conflict or alignment with your value system? And further, this begs the question, what even is your value system?
I ask this question because in that moment when you try to cut off the porn and sex addiction part of your life, you are likely cutting off your value system by association. Essentially, you are living in conflict with your value system.
There are two ways to go about untangling this knotted-up tension you may be experiencing from this conflict.
One option is that you can adjust your value system to fit with your behaviors.
Alternatively, you can adjust your behaviors to align with your value system.
However, it is not as simple as just changing behavior. If it was that simple, porn and sex addicts could show up to therapy, the Therapist would tell them to “stop it”, and they could move on with their life “cured” from their addictions.
What is Motivating the Behavior?
This is where the process I referenced earlier of stepping back, looking at the behavior objectively, and asking yourself, “what is motivating my behavior?” is extremely beneficial.
In my practice, I have found there tends to be a mosaic of answers to this question: Desire for respect, love, attention, intimacy, calm, escape from anxiety, reprieve from stress.
In and of themselves, these desires, these motivations are good things. After all, who doesn’t want respect, love, attention, intimacy, calm, escape from anxiety, and to get rid of stress?
When we look at the tangled mess of porn and sex addiction and say, “I need to cut this part out of my life, this part of me is bad” we are saying that not only about the behaviors of porn and sex addiction, but about our desires for these things.
To offer some perspective, I want you to imagine someone you love. When you have this person in mind, I want you to imagine them telling you, “All I want is respect, love, attention, intimacy, calm, to be free from anxiety, and to release my stress.”
Would you tell them they are bad, pitiful, or wrong? Would you tell them how humiliating they are for wanting those things, and how embarrassed they should be for expressing that desire? If your answer is “yes” there is another problem for a later discussion. Likely, if you really love this person, you would have compassion for them after hearing these desires. You would probably want to comfort them, and tell them that you are there for them. This is the very reason why it is so important to untangle the knots of porn and sex addiction. To identify what you are really trying to achieve or gain through acting out sexually is to differentiate between motivation (or emotion) and behavior.
When you really differentiate motivation from behavior, you will be able to experience compassion instead of judgement, a path forward instead of hopelessness, and empowerment instead of helplessness. You will have clarity on how to live a life which is integrated with your value system instead of in opposition to it.
Doing the Work
While achieving this insight and understanding of yourself and your value system is an essential aspect of untangling the knots of porn and sex addiction, insight alone will not change anything.
Rather, well informed, and thoughtful insight about yourself, your value system, and what is moving you to behave as you do is akin to acquiring an accurate compass, a blueprint of sorts to help you make educated choices about how to build the life you want to live. You still need to do the work to build that life.
We are now moving from the phase of untangling your inner world to untangling those aspects of your environment (external world) on which you have influence. My specifier regarding the aspects of your external world “on which you have influence” is intentional and an important aspect of recovery. I make this specifier because you are neither in total control over your environment, nor are you a helpless victim of it. If you make the mistake of thinking you are either you will likely find yourself stuck in the addictive cycle for a long time.
Accepting what you cannot control (i.e. how your partner reacts to your addictive behaviors) and taking responsibility for what you can control (i.e. whether or not you choose to regulate emotion with porn or sex) is an extremely empowering lense to look at your world through.
Accepting what you cannot control releases you from the pressure of trying to control that which you can’t. Taking responsibility for what you can control paves the way for you to make decisions which facilitate an integrated life.
While there may be some collateral losses as you begin to untangle the knots of porn and sex addiction (relationships, ego, stability) chances are, if you are attempting to conceal your addictive behaviors from these parts of your life, they are built on a foundation of sand anyway and are likely to come tumbling down at some point in some way.
Even if your relationships, ego, and stability are lost or threatened as you untangle this part of your life, this serves as an opportunity to rebuild these things on a stronger foundation - one which is built out of honesty, transparency, congruency, intention, and unity instead of deception, hiding, shame, and isolation.
Untangling the knots of porn and sex addiction is not an easy task, it isn’t fun, and it will almost certainly leave you feeling exhausted and depleted at points. However, that means the real work is getting done - the work that is moving you closer to living an integrated life, liberated from the oppression and tension created by the division of values and behavior.
If you are ready to start untangling these knots, we are ready to support you along the way.
About The Author
Spencer is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 121457) and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist Candidate supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. He has focused his career on helping individuals and couples break free and heal from unwanted sexual behaviors. Spencer is motivated by the hope and restoration he has found in his own journey toward healing. When he is not helping others in, or producing content about this field, he enjoys running, traveling, and discovering local eateries with loved ones.
