Disclosure
A full therapeutic disclosure can be the most pivotal part of healing for the sexually addicted spouse and partner. It is a process where the addict and therapist work to develop a document that includes his or her unwanted betraying behaviors and presents them to his or her partner. It provides information to the partner regarding the sexual behaviors from the time the couple has been together.
It is suggested that the partner first create a list of questions that is relevant to the relationship, this is best accomplished with a qualified therapist. These disclosure questions are specific to the betrayal that occurred in the relationship.
In one scenario, a partner may want to know about a timeframe in the acting out behavior that may or may not be happening anymore. So, a partner may ask for instance; “when you went on the business trip back in August, was there any acting out that I was not aware of?” This is one example of many questions that will help the partner get clear on when, where and how acting out took place.
Disclosure Questions
Questions for disclosure are fact oriented so a question like; “did you love me while you were acting out?” are avoided. The other items that are not included are the explicit details of the acting out, as these can be very triggering. The focus is on the behavior itself, not the motivation behind it. The reason for this is two-fold, disclosure is a process of gathering information that will be useful to the partner’s recollection of the relationship. Many partners were blindsided, and a disclosure is useful to fill in the blanks. Secondly, secretive behavior like compulsive porn use with masturbation or serial infidelity, strip clubs etc. create an unspoken power differential that puts the other partner in the one down position since the acting out was a secret. The partner may suspect something is wrong (i.e., sexual dysfunction or noticing excessive amounts of time “in the bathroom” with his or her cell phone), however, until that is revealed in a disclosure process this remains unvalidated to a partner.
In a formal therapeutic disclosure, there is privacy and there are commonly two therapists (one attending for the partner and one for the sexually addicted spouse). This way the couple is being well taken care of during the process from start to finish. I had no idea how this would be useful until I experienced disclosure this way for the first time. My therapist attended to me. She had EMDR available so I could calmly hear my spouse’s revelation and I could take a break if needed. We created a safety plan prior to disclosure. I was grateful, and this benefited my spouse too since his therapist would be there to offer support to him.
How to rebuild the Relationship?
Disclosure as painful as it may sound lays the foundation that will rebuild the relationship starting with the whole truth. It acts as an equalizer in a relationship that has been affected by one partner not being aware of the other partner’s secret behavior.
I would highly recommend Dan Drake and Janice Caudill’s book on disclosure (there are three volumes so choose which the one best suits your situation).
If you are exploring the idea of doing a disclosure, don’t hesitate to find certified therapists who can journey with you in this process. This is the first step in restoring truth in the relationship.
About The Author
Sandi Timmer is an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC 7006) and a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist candidate. She is supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. Sandi works with adult men and women and she is also offering counseling services to couples. She is equipped to counsel clients who are struggling with substance or process addictions. Sandi has extensive training for partners experiencing betrayal trauma. She also has experience in supporting survivors of domestic violence and elementary school age children suffering from various academic problems stemming from challenging family systems.
