The Impact of a Flower: My Story of Sharing My Impact Letter
I received a text from my therapist (after having sent her my 12-page impact letter) and she said, “It seems to focus more on what he did instead of how you felt and the impact his choices had on you.” Wait, what? It took me more than two weeks to complete this, not to mention that writing about it was like reliving my personal hell. I woke up early to take another look at my impact letter.
What is an Impact Letter?
Before I get to the rest of my story let me first explain what an “impact letter” is. An impact letter is known in addiction circles as an intervention letter. However, in this piece, we are specifically speaking about sex addiction.
An impact letter describes the impact that the sexually addicted partner’s behavior has had on the betrayed partner—emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, sexually, and otherwise. The impact letter usually follows a full therapeutic disclosure.
The focus for the partner is to tell the rest of the story. Not maliciously and not in an insincere manner, but in a way that is respectful and truthful about being on the other side of being in a relationship with a sexually addicted spouse who has lived a double life.
An Impact Letter and the Symbol of a Flower
Back to my personal experience writing an impact letter. It was Saturday morning. I had planned a “Kundalini-in-the-park” yoga practice and invited my partner. I brought a white hydrangea flower with me along with my other gear.
After the practice was complete, we loaded up our stuff to find a quieter location in the park. I set up my iPhone to videotape the experience. I had my hydrangea in my Adidas water bottle. I was ready as I would ever be.
I planned to use the flower to represent “me.” Before reading a paragraph in my impact letter, I would give each paragraph a title such as “#unprotected sex or #gaslighting or #financial abuse. I would then pluck some petals from the flower and proceed to read another part of the letter. My partner faced me. He was stoic and occasionally I could see his eyes well up as the once beautiful flower was diminishing as my words kept flowing.
By the end of my reading, the flower had lost most of its petals and looked pretty bad overall. My partner and I walked over to where the boats were, and I flung the remainder of the flower into the dark blue water of the marina. Was there a benefit to all of this?
The Benefits of Sharing My Impact Letter
After years of so much deception, I had the opportunity to tell the story from my perspective. I was able to do it my own way, there was no interruption, and my partner was open to my invitation.
That morning, I thought about what I wanted that day to look like. And when it came to me, I knew this would be the best way to do it. I had the chance to express myself fully and completely and creatively.
That day my voice was heard, and years of accumulated unexpressed feelings were voiced. To be heard and to be seen and to have the freedom to say what I had experienced all those years was nothing less than empowering.
If you want to know more about therapeutic disclosure, impact letters, and how these can be powerful tools in rebuilding and restoring relationships that have been impacted by betrayal, please reach out to us at the Center for Integrative Change. We’re here to support you.
About The Author
Sandi Timmer is an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC 7006) and a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist candidate. She is supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. Sandi works with adult men and women and she is also offering counseling services to couples. She is equipped to counsel clients who are struggling with substance or process addictions. Sandi has extensive training for partners experiencing betrayal trauma. She also has experience in supporting survivors of domestic violence and elementary school age children suffering from various academic problems stemming from challenging family systems.
