Accountability for Pornography Use – Does it Help?
Accountability – What is it?
The definition of accountability is “the quality or state of being accountable; especially: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions” (Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Accountability. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved February 6, 2023, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/accountability). In summary, accountability is welcoming someone into knowing about your struggle in hopes to help you overcome it.
Depending on your past experience, this word may conjure up a variety of feelings both positive or negative. When it comes to pornography use and accountability, I have heard differing views. Some say that accountability has helped them remain focused and has allowed them to take the next step in recovery. Others say they have found it unhelpful as they share their struggles week to week and nothing changes. Regardless of where you find yourself, it can be helpful to be aware of different forms of accountability and what to look for in this realm.
What Are Different Forms of Accountability?
Accountability can come in different forms including a person you check in with on a regular basis, computer software that blocks you from going to explicit sites, a therapist, or even a recovery or therapy group. Some people find that using one or several of these resources is most beneficial for them, so it is entirely up to you. It is important to state that by seeking help through therapy in some form, while you may receive a level of accountability, you will likely also be able to work through the deeper issues that are keeping you stuck.
What to Look for in Accountability
When looking for a level of accountability, here are some tips that might be helpful for you in your search:
- Look for a person (or group of people) you feel comfortable talking to, and that you find trustworthy. While there is always a risk in sharing vulnerably with others, pay attention to how you feel when you talk to them and whether you feel your confidence will be respected.
- Look for someone that can be “curious” about your struggles with you. Instead of just receiving advice, having someone to explore this with you can really help.
- Look for someone that might understand the struggle you are facing. While this is not absolutely necessary, having a person that can understand what you are going through can often result in you feeling less alone.
- Look for someone who has similar beliefs as you do regarding pornography use and the negative impact it can have on your life. Many people have differing views out there (and that is okay), but try your best to find someone that aligns with what you believe.
- Look for someone that can see the best in you. This is not an easy journey but having someone point out even small gains can be tremendously healing.
This does not have to be a formal process, so whether you are talking with a friend, or are in some form of therapy, trust your gut regarding how you feel when you talk with them.
What to Give Your Accountability Permission to Do
As you can imagine, this is a touchy subject. Many times, people won’t ask the difficult questions to those they are supporting in fear of offending them. Therefore, it may be important to give them permission to:
- Ask you questions such as “When do you find yourself going to porn? What is happening before you go to porn in those moments?”
- Point out when they feel you might be untruthful
- Help you explore the benefit you are getting out of pornography use and help you sort through your priorities
- Assist you in asking directly what your goals are, and what is keeping you from those goals
- Remind you of why you asked for help in the first place when they notice you are straying
How Letting Someone in On Your Struggle Can Help
As with any struggle, being in isolation makes it that much harder to get out of. Bringing your issues into the “light” can do a few things including:
- Reduce shame by realizing you are still valued and loved despite your struggles
- Help you realize things that may be in your blind spots as you talk them out
- Having opportunities to bounce ideas off someone when you feel completely stuck
While you might be having trouble with pornography use that you wish to stop, you were never meant to be alone in your struggle. Hopefully these tips for finding accountability are helpful to you, and if you need any further assistance, a therapist at the Center for Integrative Change is here for you.
About the Author
Alex Primo is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Center for Integrative Change. With training in EMDR and additional training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, he finds great joy in helping men break out of the cycle of unwanted sexual behavior, and helping couples restore trust and intimacy. When he is not seeing clients, he enjoys playing board games with his family, learning magic tricks, and rooting for the Dodgers.
