How Does That Make You Feel?
How Does That Make You Feel?
It is a common joke that if you go to therapy, your therapist may just sit there and ask you, “and how does that make you feel?” Well, let me go even further. I want to ask you, “How do you feel about how you feel?” And with this… welcome to the world of meta-emotions.
What are Meta-Emotions?
Meta-emotions are the emotions that you have about your emotions. Okay, I know that sounds funky – hang with me here. For example, do you think emotions are powerful and you should base your decisions on wanting to feel emotions such as happiness and peace? Or do you think emotions are silly and you should make decisions based solely on logic?
We all have meta-emotions, even if we don’t know what they are. Most people are somewhere on the spectrum of balancing emotions and logic. Some people are also on more extreme sides of the spectrum, placing most of their value either on emotions or logic. It is my belief, that in order to be our healthiest selves, we need to honor and recognize our emotions without letting them be the only driving force. For example, if logic is the driver, emotions should be our navigator, looking at the map to help us decide where to go.
Where do my Meta-Emotions Come From?
As I mentioned before, we all have meta-emotions. Often, our beliefs about feelings and emotions stem all the way back to our childhood. If your parent was always telling you to stop being so emotional, you may have a lot of shame associated with your emotions. Gender roles can also play a huge part in this. How many of you men have heard messages along the lines of, “Boys don’t cry” or “Don’t be a wimp.” Any traumatic events in our lives can also shape how we view emotions. For example, if we grew up in a home where conflict often led to violence, we probably would do anything we can to avoid feelings associated with conflict. If we never learned how to be comfortable with emotions, its common to want to stuff down any negative emotion that comes our way. This is also true for the opposite end of the spectrum. If your parents were over emotional, you may have never learned how to regulate your emotions.
How to Get to a Healthy Place with Emotions
Learning to recognize and become comfortable with your emotions is not necessarily something that comes naturally. It is a skill you need to develop. Here are some strategies that can be helpful:
1. Use a Feeling Wheel
A feeling wheel can be helpful because you can identify a core emotion that may be easier to recognize in yourself than a nuanced, specific emotion. However, once you identify the core emotion in the center of the wheel, you can move further out and try to get more specific. You can always get more detailed then just “happy” or “sad.” You can find a feeling wheel by googling “feeling wheel”, or I have included one here that I like to use Wheel of Emotions
2. Mood Tracking
Another helpful skill for learning to become more aware of your emotions is mood tracking. This is as simple as writing down what you feel and can be done in a variety of different ways. For example, if you like to journal, start by writing your current mood at the top of the page. If you always have your phone on you, jot down what emotions you felt during the day on your notes app every night before bed. If you want an app for that, learn about some highly rated mood tracking apps here.
3. Go to Therapy
As I mentioned, becoming comfortable with your emotions or allowing your emotions to guide you in a healthy way is a skill that you need to learn and practice. Sometimes, past traumas or unhealthy patterns make that really hard to do. Be gracious to yourself and seek out a professional to help guide you to a more insightful, loving, and mature relationship with your feelings
A Note on Emotions and Relationships
Learning about your meta-emotions, or how you feel about feelings, is especially important when you are in any sort of relationship. If partners feel different about the importance of feelings, this can be the source of much relational conflict and hurt. If both partners try to push away their feelings, eventually the relationship will stop being a safe space which may lead to a relationship crisis. If both partners are too dependent on feelings, it is likely that the relationship is characterized by intense and uncontrolled arguments. If you and your partner need to get on the same page about emotions, or learn how to create a healthier relationship around emotions, be sure to reach out. Call our care specialist who can give you more information about couples counseling and the different therapists at Center for Integrative Change who would love to help you on your journey or book an appointment online.
About The Author
Jorden Groenink, MS, AMFT, APCC an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT136162) and an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC12906), supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She has been trained in Experiential Therapy and loves working with couples and individuals who want to experience a more fulfilling life. Jorden wholeheartedly believes that every person is worthy of love and relationship. When not working with clients or listening to audiobooks, Jorden enjoys spending time with her family (husband, dog, & cat) and doing DIY projects around her house.
